I find that my blog is a bit of an outlet that not only allows me to see myself as a woman, designer, and artisan, but it allows you all to connect with me on a variety of levels so that you can see why I create/design in the way that I do. I am not some profound person, but I am awesomely human just like you. I have my great days, I have my terrible days, those in between days where I am just as confused as the next person, and we cannot forget the HOLY S#!T DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?! days.
I read an article on a blog the other day (I will try to find it again as I really wanted to follow her) that touched on what I am feeling…is my emotional journey too much to share? I surely do not want people to think that I am unstable, but instead think of me as human and my experiences are what make me an outstanding daughter, friend, wife, and sister. Additionally, that same craziness makes me a thoughtful designer and careful business woman.
Last year I made the best decision of my life to start seeing someone to help balance me out. Yes folks, I started to see a counselor. I thought that I knew all that there was to know about me and obviously I was so wrong. Our first session was a bit awkward with me crying like a two-year old on the couch (OMG yes there was a couch!!!), but by the time my first session was over I felt like the weight of a car had been lifted off my shoulders. I had never bared my soul like that before and it was so hard and so easy at the same time. Our conversations range from picking colors for fabrics to martial issues; there is no topic that is off-limits. Those topics help her decipher who I am and what makes me tick as a human. She does not judge, but instead she listens intently and speaks deliberately. She is educated, compassionate, funny, and really seems to understand what I am feeling and what I need to hear in order to move forward. I often ask myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
So fast forward one year and let me share with you some of my journey:
I have more self-confidence and I truly understand my self-worth.
I am more self-aware and vocal about how something or someone makes me feel. I don’t tolerate being made to feel ‘less than’ by anyone. We can disagree but no one is allowed to discount me and what I feel.
My creativity seems unblocked. Hell I was already a nutcase for fabric and design, but counseling has freed up emotional space and allowed me to really tap into my creativity. Some nights I cannot sleep because the ideas and colors in my mind are so vivid and clear.
I look at day-to-day situations in a different light. I have learned that not every problem needs my interjection. I have lived many years with my ‘plate full’ of other people’s issues, that I had no place to put my own issues. In the beginning I felt that doing this was mean and wrong, but what good is it if we are both carrying the weight for the same problem? Sure, I am really happy about holding my loved ones hands or being a shoulder to cry on, but I really weigh out if I want to take on their emotional issues as my own. Really people, there is only so much room on that plate!
I stopped feeling guilty when I treat myself. I am a natural giver and I find it so hard to do something for myself unless there is some giant reason for the ‘self spoiling’. Now, I am so proud of myself when I purchase two pair of boots because I wanted them not because I needed them.
I have learned how to say ‘no’ and not feel guilty about it. This is so damn hard!!!
The most important thing that I have discovered about myself during this journey is that there are some parts of me that I dislike…in comes Bitch Linda. I realize this sounds a bit odd after all those great points, but this truth is my real wisdom. I ‘own’ those parts of me, I ‘own’ how those parts make me feel, how they make me act, and what they make me say. ‘Bitch Linda’ is my best friend and my worst enemy. Those parts of me will pop up in a design or two every now and then and the beauty and creativity in that darkness sometimes surprises me. I take full ownership and responsibility for Bitch Linda because she needs me as much as I need her crazy ass.
Essentially, we all need someone who we can speak freely to without feeling that our comments will cause a defensive response/action. I have plenty of best friends that I can call on to vent to, but this is different as there is a bit of psychology behind the counseling. Honestly, there is no substitute for it. I recognize that not everyone is ready to leap into the ‘counseling’ thing. So until you are, learn that being good to yourself is one of the best things that you can do for yourself and those that you love. To not recognize that your own well-being is critical means that you are depriving yourself of your full potential as well as depriving those around you of your true greatness.
I am going to tell you something that you already know: give yourself as much love and attention as you give to others and you will be unstoppable.